Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
