Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
