My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
