i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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