I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
