i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Randomize
