I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
