I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
