i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
