Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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