This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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