If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
