what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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