Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I just threw up on my dentist
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
