you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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