I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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