just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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