If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize