Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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