Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
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One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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