Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
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When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
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I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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