Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
