gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
