he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
