Tell her she can't have a vagina
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
