the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
