I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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