i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
