as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
