Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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