if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
