drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
