Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
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It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
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He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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