Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
