i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
