so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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