shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
