I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out