I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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