you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying