How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
