Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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