I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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