I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Drunk is a universal language darling
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
