apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
