She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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