his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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