dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
