Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
