i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
