Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
