I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
